Where to really begin, I have no idea, that would involve me trying to remember things, things my mind wont allow me to gain access to. So you wonder if such things even took place? I might think that too, if I weren't me.
So much I wish I could understand and learn about myself but cannot. I often think, why? who could I have been if these things never happened to me. Probably could have been someone really special or brilliant even.
I am beginning to realize as my life is shattering all around me, that these things, situations are actually my fault and not my husbands. Which I like to blame him for almost everything.
You see, I never wanted to get married to him. He was in the military and about to move. I was young and still needed guidance. But, we had a six month old daughter then.
He was emotionally abusive and I think that is where my journey began. Or at least resurfaced.
He was much older than I was, by 8 years. I had just turned 19 when we met and he was about 27. Not that age really matters but for me it did because he acts always as a parental figure and belittles me.
I decided to write to let out what I hold in everyday, to see if it will help me.
Every day is a struggle. I have a hard time getting out of bed. I need to be a mother! Not a mother like I had.
I have flashbacks of my childhood. One I recall daily.
I'm so little, just wanting my mommy. But she leaves me again. Again, with this creepy guy, my step dad. Step dad #1. He taunts me. He calls me names and makes fun of me constantly. One name I mostly remember is stupid. He likes to see me cry.
When I'm sick he will taunt me with candy, making fun of me. I remember seeing my room. I hated this room. I can remember the mattress covered in towels. Soaked with my urine.
Where the hell is my mother? Where was she? What the hell was more important that she had to leave me with this guy? She isn't blind. She knows how he is. So I guess, I deserve this. This is normal.
I am so scared. It's dark now, I get out of my room at night and walk towards my moms door. I'm yelling " mommy" and hear them yell at me to go to bed. I hear them in there and Jamie is in with them. I'm sad.
I lay down beside the door and hope that they will open it and let me in. But they don't. I fall asleep but only for a short while because than I hear him getting up, so I run to my bed.
I cant remember what happened next.
I remember it being Christmas time and I was upset because Jamie, my sister, ruined my new doll. I told on her, for tattling I was sent outside in the snow, barefoot, to stand on the curb and wait for my mom until she came back home.
I am pretty sure this is where my humiliation began. Not feeling like a human being.
I remember dirty movies.
Why I had to watch them and reenact them.
I have flashbacks of me sitting in a dark room, where photographs are taken, I had asked my mom not too long ago about this and her reply was.. " Oh well I remember Ryan would tie you up on a chair in there" Ohhhhh okay mom. Thank you for clearing that up for me! Like is this normal everyday convo.
I have so many questions.
So many unanswered questions and so many whys! But nothing ever comes out of any of them. So I began to do as everyone in my family does and sweep them all under the rug! So much easier at the time but now I am like a ticking time bomb, waiting to explode. I mean this in the sense that I'm emotionally stuck.
I know one day when we move back "home", I can already picture this day of just interrogating my mother. Why shouldn't I?
I deserve to know why the hell I am so messed up?! She has panic attacks and anxiety, and so everyone caters to her or tip toes around her.
But what about me? If it weren't for my babies, I wouldn't be here today and I know I would of committed suicide a long time ago. I sometimes wish I could just sleep my life away.
I just remember so much fear in that house. You know the black and white static on a television? the fuzzy screen and loud scary noise? I remember always dreaming of it. Or it being pitch black and waking up to the TV doing so. So I thought.
I lived in fear. I knew a lot about it at the age of 2. This went on until I was about 6. I can't remember a whole lot but only bits an pieces. Maybe its for the best.
I remember mom had taken us to his family's house. She dropped us off. It was a big white house. I think I was 5 or 6. I remember getting up at night and walking around the house because there was four of us in a small bed. it was crowded. I think it was our cousin plus us three kids. Anyway, I saw the other cousins room and layed down. I remember laying there about to fall asleep and his hand slowly touching my privates. I begin to feel my heart throb. I think I was scared but I imagine I was thinking a million things. I did what any helpless child would have done. acted like I was asleep. He wouldn't stop, just kept going.
(I think I never had any attention growing up. I was neglected by my mother. she was always leaving us. I mean, that's how I remember it)
To this day I never said anything about this until recently to my sister, Jamie.
This is only a dent in my life...so much I want to talk about and open up too. More later.
Tonight I sit in silence. Silence isn't so good when your depressed. Alone with my thoughts, Thoughts of past hurts and pain.
Today I was brave and decided to confront my mom on only a couple things. She still denies everything and even blocked me on the computer. Wow! I forgive her and will always love her. I just need closure and to understand why?
Things such as molestation has been passed down in my family. Almost as if its some kind of generational curse, but nobody talks about it, they just sweep it under the rug and stay hush about it.
I don't know how to move on without knowing the truth. Everyone tells me to get over it, stop playing victim, pray about it, give it to God and move on. I am a believer. I know nothing is too big for God, but yet I still need closure.
I have just learned I hav PTSD. So its been untreated for over 20 yrs at least. I'm 28, the biggest things that I remember are at age 5 but I know that at that age I already knew about sex and living in fear.
I just want help, the right help but I don't know where to turn.
So many things just don't add up or don't make sense.
Step dad #2 my mom married him shortly after the divorce from step dad #1. I think I was about 6. I cant really remember anything about our life with him until I was a rebellious teenager. The acts of physical violence and certain fits I would have stand out.
He was gone a lot, being in the Army, he came back from Bagdad and was never the same, I recall people saying. one time I remember as if it were yesterday..
We all had chores. every teen should! But he wanted me to stick my hand down the garbage disposal and I refused because it was clogged and it looked so gross. Plus, I don't think I trusted him. I'm sure I mouthed off because he hit me so good in the face and my nose just poured out blood.
We lived in a duplex, so our neighbor called the cops because she heard screaming. I think maybe even my sister had ran over there.
Anyway, the police knew us. They came to a point and just flat out told my mom and him that something needed done and they were taking us into custody until something happened or resolved and I remember mom had to choose right then. She obviously picked us kids. Me, my two sisters and brother.
I think he was arrested and had to leave. I remember going to my mom, she was in her storage closet in her room, it was where the sumpump was. She was rocking back and forth, just crying. Acting crazy almost. She looked at me and ill never forget her words. " you've ruined my life" I am sure there was other things she was saying but all I could hear were those words.
I don't remember how old I was but I think 14 or 15.
My grandparents came, they always did and still do when she is in a panic. I know bad things happened to her as a kid but she wont ever talk about them.
As I've said before, everything gets shoved under the rug. It's got to be a pretty damn dirty rug by now.
I wish I could communicate better with everyone. Including my husband. I feel like I'm just lost here.
I'm always either up and down or just "blank". I am always in panic mode when my husband and I are arguing. Although, he doesn't know how to "talk" he yells and I immediately shut down. I can go forever without speaking to him but that adds fuel to the fire which escalades into the cops ending up at our door.
I just hope one day I can find my normal.
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